Facebook is a many-splendoured thing and by that I mean tragically depressing.
I recently deactivated my Facebook account because it was beginning to feel like a competition for ‘most desperate attempt to look like you’re having fun.’ If people are not posting selfies with a bottle of vodka in their claws, professing their love for the latest city/country they have visited, or rabbling on about how dearly they love their latest beau, people would think they were dead. What’s that I hear you cry, people would not think they were dead? Well, someone should perhaps tell them that because the Facebook generation have pigeonholed themselves into a very tight corner and cannot seem to be able get out of it. Everyone seems to think that everyone needs to know what everyone is doing. What I noticed most whilst being on Facebook is that, like school, there are cliques. To illustrate my point I have compiled a list, for your amusement, of the kind of people you will find.
The McCartney Wannabe.
You may often scroll down your timeline to find a video made by one of your fellow Facebookians. You wait for it to load, watch the first millisecond of it and then continue to scroll down because yes, you guessed right, it is yet another video of them strumming inanely on a guitar to a tune you couldn’t guess even if a gun was put to your head. Do yourself a favour and enter this person into X Factor so they can be publicly humiliated thus ending your pain.
The Savage Selfie Taker.
This breed of Facebookian can be seen mainly in their homes or at the pub. Their Instagram account will be firmly linked with Facebook so they can bore ALL of their friends at the same time with their unimaginative snapshots of not only them but their cat, dog or Dave the bouncer.
The Family Fiend.
This family member will disturb you to the very core. Families, in your mind, will be a wholesome collective that can do no wrong. WRONG! This family member, usually uncle Terry, will post the most outrageous, offensive drivel you will ever see in your life. They can usually be found sharing posts by ‘Britain First’ or the ‘EDL’.
The Foodie Fapper.
Beware the foodie fapper. This one will eat anything you put in front of them but not before taking a photo of it first. Burgers, salads, toast, you name it, they will shoot it and then devour it. Best not to get in a selfie with these guys if they ask.
This one is pretty straightforward. The chav will usually have more ‘friends’ than possible for them to meet at their age, numerous photos of their five children and the grammar of a dyslexic goat. Their trademark is the misspelling of words such as ‘definitely’ (defiantly), ‘your/you’re’ and ‘haven’t’, which they will replace with ‘aint’ (yes, without the apostrophe).
The Perfect Prince/Princess.
Ugh, is there anything more annoying than a prissy little achiever when you’re trying to trudge through your pathetic, mediocre life? No! This person will consistently make your life a living hell with their sporadic updates on how their latest foray into whatever it is they have tried their hand at has turned out brilliantly.
Top Tip: Find something they are bad at and memorise it for when times get particularly bad.
This is the person who has mistaken Facebook for their Twitter account, where it is acceptable to post every five minutes. This user can be found on every other post on your timeline.
To get the most from this list you may want to create a bingo board and mark each one off when you see them on your next scroll down Facebook.
You may be thinking ‘well, why don’t you just unfollow them so you can’t see what they post?’ Believe me, it is not that simple because each and every one of your ‘friends’ will fit into one of these categories. By the time you have finished unfollowing everyone you will be left with your best friend and your mother, which would be like not having Facebook at all. This, my friends, is what I suggest you do – not have Facebook at all. We have a very short time on this Earth, which is shortened on an almost hourly basis by the blue teat of social media. During my four days away from Facebook I have been so much more productive, not least of all returning to this very blog. I urge you to do the same so you too can see how detrimental it really is. Do not live to post, live a life that is worthy of posting.